what I want to do when I grow up is

I want to make a documentary a la Alex Haley where I travel cross-country looking for my people (ie grown up autistic people who have steady jobs).

But most of the documentary would NOT consist of me searching out and interviewing high functioning autistic people, at least, not on the theme of "what it is like to be autistic" .

Rather, what I would do when I met each person is: let them borrow my 1950's style home movie camera for 1 day.

The documentary would consist of footage filmed by autistic people about things that each individual found interesting and/or relevant. (Not relevant to autism research. Relevant to life).

It would be ok if anyone wanted to use their own digital camera. And people could chose their own soundtracks to go with the films.

I think it's time for a long-anticipated Week Without People.

sharing

You think THAT's a suspicious package? said my one friend who is a drummer at O'Mara's. Try the large unmarked box that arrives on my lawn from Turkey.

normal summer hours

This summer, Sharon and I have a contractual agreement. The specific language of that agreement is "we are not going to talk about distressing topics such as the Writing Center or Francie during Normal Summer Hours".

Fast forward to today. I went up to the writing center to put a box there where my students could drop off their portfolios. Catherine like went crazy. You can't do that, you can't do that, you can't do that without the permission of the director.

So I dragged my scraggly assed box to the outside of the office for students with disabilities, where I always seem to end up.

Sharon called me at that moment and I told her my minor pathetic story.

Um, said Sharon, not to violate our agreement, but um, you better take your box up there and put it on the Writing Centor Director's desk so your students can drop off their work.

I can't do that without permission....I started.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaagh Sharon said so loudly that I had to hold the phone away from my ear. Who is the Writing Center director?

Sharon is the writing center director.

Who is the Writing Center director?

Sharon is the Writing Center Director.

Say it. Who is the Writing Center Director?

You are.

Now go put your box on my desk.

"Women and their beloved losers"

is the title of Carolina's essay for Assignment 3.

but now that I've caught up on 2 months of sleep, the 2nd job is starting to look good on its own merits.

priorities

What are you doing with your extra 120 dollars per paycheck?

Things I meant to do
pay off parking tickets
buy Fall clothes
invest in concealer
get groceries

Things I have done
put off getting a second job
reread the Autobiography of Malcolm X
rented at least 1 movie every day
replaced Fugees cd

but still haunted at times by the mystery and problem of her.

The 1 situation in human life that is more abysmal than having nothing is having 1 thing, because you will nail it to the floor and twist the walls and the writing on the walls around to keep the 1 thing you have undisturbed.

People are strange,and bad, and good, and so, the end. Name deleted is like the scar from when I accidentally stapled my hand. I want to reach into the past and pull her out.

am suprisingly happy, given that I recently had judged this as an twisted and punishing ending.

according to schedule,

This morning I threw up *everywhere*. I think I have decided to stick with the tradition of throwing up 1 time per semester, the week my students' grades are due.

the art of teaching assignment request forms

Every TA has a special strategy to make sure their requested teaching schedule goes through. Some TAs put in their requests super early. "Senior" TAs have their special faculty put in a good word. A few of them try to work out special deals with Dick before the form reaches Margaret's desk.

So here's my strategy: Every semester, I simply write "English 1020: Introduction to College Writing. MWF 8am-11 back to back. Love, Hilary".

This way, I can rest assured that my request will be granted. AND I can say what am thinking to Margaret and Robert at Departmental Assemblies even if it will tick them off (and it does. it does. ).

If they could focus on the math, they'd probably rebel

number of eyebrows: 2
number of WORKING indoor toilets: 0
current height: 5'6" 1/2 (gettin taller!)
current weight: 118.5
height of jerkass students (combined): 19'5"
weight of jerkass students (combined): 473 lbs
current mood: scared

Neal hears and understands

but he pretends he doesn't.

Sometimes I think this makes Neal a big honking poophead, but actually, his behavior is probably good for me.

honor

Catherine's boyfriend Ha'a'maida has forbidden her to talk to me.

Current status

I am happy.

phil's email to rick caldwell

a collaborative parody written by Phil, Catherine and me (note: phil okayed the posting of this email on my blog).


-----Original Message-----
From: Penoose39
To: ac0365@wayne.edu
Sent: Wed, 20 Jul 2005 17:14:33 -0400
Subject: EPE Reviews for THURSDAY, JULY 21


Hi Rick.

I sincerely hope you've had a pleasant day, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I cannot overstate my concern for your personal well-being.

I just wanted to let you know, lest you think otherwise and perhaps make an unnecessary trip over here in such unspeakably hot weather, that we have no reviews for tomorrow. As such, there is no need whatsoever to access your extensive files and "pull" anything. While you are undoubtedly eminently capable of searching for the students' names, locating each individual test, and bringing the exams over to the Writing Center, you can revel in the simple fact that such trifling minutiae will not be required of you today.

Nope...we're fine over here.

You can go ahead and tell Katie that my final day will indeed be August 19.

Thanks, and may the remainder of your day be filled with peace and happiness.

Phil

the sound of grit

dactylic pairs of monosyllable words:

ass rape
fuse box
fuck wit
spark plug
rug burn
gay wad
hex nut
pipe snake
grade change

no matter what neighborhood I move to

it seems like the same exploding toilet keeps following me around.

teaching MLA citation style

Parentheses and quotation marks are swimming in my mind.

I stared blankly at my students.

And my students stared back.

They looked like they needed a reading day.

ok, back to "yeah".

two seconds later

aaaaaaaaaaagh, what is going to become of me?

mmmm. yeah.

the mountain of stuff in my backyard

is more ghetto fabulous than I am.

Technically the term does apply to Aida, an internationally acclaimed middle eastern dancer.

I'm just living in her attic.

prasad.

prasad: shit that can be burned beyond recognition and still taste good.

explanation: at the end of a Hindu prayer, you select a small item burn in symbolic sacrifice brahman (the metaphysical blur that rules the universe). Then you eat your fire sacrifice smeared with honey.

So, the universe has been living mostly off of dough and s'mores for the last 1,000 years.

In fact, I think that this is technically how gulab jamun was created.

the second law of thermodynamics

states that once something is thrown out the window, it can't fly back in.

current affirmations: I am ghetto fabulous.

no matter how parenthetically you say the phrase "the dead mice that were left in the stove", it gives people pause.

but she probably talks about it on her blog.

Striber and Dobbins (2005) replicate Szasmarti's findings: "In this case study, desensitization successfully treated the eating disorder of a preadolescent autistic girl".

But the girl's measures of "successful" treatment are not presented in Striver and Dobbins' paper.

google results

negative self consciousness+girls+autism

a researcher named Peter Szatsmarti, who participates in the Yale autism superproject, correlates 11 triggers of tacticle defensiveness to temporary negative self-consciousness in adolescent girls with HFA/AS.

Nonautistic people's research does not normally yeild potentially useful information.
so,

6. Conduct backyard research.

Things to do this week:
1. create a "habitat for humanity" sign to hang on my door, with cartoon drawings of insects, racoons and worms crossed out.

2. drink a lot of wine and walk around apartment with hammer.

3. " " " " and bravely face the challenge "some assembly required".

4. " " " " and look at naked body in mirror.

5. go to hindu temple in Pontiac to pray to find happiness in sex and money in washing machine.

6. write campy story called "Rent: the musical" about the creative arts, sex and landlord-tenant law. Oh wait, that's already been done.

7. have sex.

8. with human person.

9. Create 4 subtly different drafts of statement of purpose for dissertation based on conflicting inner needs of Ruth, Gwen, Ellen and Francie. Distribute confidently.

religious tolerance

How many gods exist?
a) o (zen buddhism)
b) 1 (Islam)
b) 1-3 (Christianity)
c) as many as it takes (Hinduism).

East meets West

It's time for ritual fasting again according to the aruvedic calendar, which I've downloaded into my Nokia cell phone.

insight

all I can do is continue to be Hilary and create a space for people to come into and be themselves.

Neal and Name Deleted

"I keep losing respect for her. It is like watching carpenters perform brain surgery".

the way he says my name

with slight emphasis on the last syllable: Hilary.

I want to hear it right now.

And when my apartment got wrecked, it seemed (to me) like if I could be right with him for a minute, and taste my name on his mouth, the house would miraculously reconstruct itself.

Of course, I'm smart enough to reject that kind of thinking and focus on the task at hand.

But I still thought it.

my basic philosophy of life

is exemplified by a song that my mom was listening to in her car. And it goes,

"down in the jungle living in a tent/ you don't use money you don't pay rent/you don't even know the time, but you don't mind".

turning point

"At some time on Friday I reached this incredible turning point, where I stopped describing the mess to random people". Aida.

parents

My hippie catholic parents are the best people around.

Actually, my biological mother and father are my favorite human beings. My two step parents are somewhat alien. I do get on super well with my stepdad, and my stepmom, well, we have worked our way to a hi-bye relationship.

But I can see why my bio mom and dad get along better with the step aliens than with each other.

which could happen any time between now and Thursday, depending.

on Aida.

hmm.

Hilary's New Address

Hilary has moved.

I am staying with my hippie Catholic parents in West Bloomfield till the house on the West Side is up to code.

like, if I had written the book

tea cake wouldn't have died, he would have been mistakenly eaten. Oh wait. That's what did happen.

but

the phrase "animal feces" gets people going in any language.

current stats

current weight: 1 million pounds (now constitutes Serious Emergency).

goal-weight-sub-1: 118 pounds

deadline: Thursday morning (am dissolving Fat Hilary and the boron powder on the same timetable for handy scheduling)
note that this month's goal weight is last month's Serious Emergency. but happiness is the pursuit of attainable goals.

Weight at which same no longer constitutes Serious Emergency: 116 lbs

Hilary's normal boring happy weight: 112 lbs.

and the words tasted like

boron.

the content of the words and phrases

had to do with how knowing how to zaggareit is not a useful survival skill in North America.

suspended on the stairway of peril

I paused to serenely eat some previous words and phrases.

After watching Hotel Rwanda:

Am fattest and happiest refugee in the world.

Neal used to say

that no one in North America has a right to complain about their signal strength when equally smart, sensitive and valuable people are forced to live in trees with no wifi in Rwanda.

I'd like to add that people's right to complain increases as their lifestyle approximates that of refugees in developing nations.

vuelo de prueba

This is my first post from the West Side.

numbers

stairways of doom: 1
collapsing chairs: 2
refrigerator puddles: 2
working utilities: 2 (of 3)
mirage appliances: 6
unlabeled keys: 7
cockroaches: zillions

dance mirrors: 1
multilingual swear words learned: 3
cute boy neighbors: 1

impossible boxes: 4 more

she just made us look so .... lame. So my friends read the newspaper and they think, oh, ok, that's Hilary's people, the Hufflepuffs: politically uneducated and brutally stupid.

Like a big fluffy bunny with fangs and a machete.

current emotion: AI separatist
intensity: intense

He is not.

A:

"Wilt contends her son suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism that allowed him to be easily manipulated by others".

No way. The social antennae of an A.I. is the equivalent of a nerf mallett. You can't do a snow job on us. We're not socially perceptive enough to be complicit in our own manipulation.

B:

"Terry was just being protective of all of us," Wilt said. "It just breaks my heart, because he was a good kid. He got out in the world and people started taking advantage of him."

She said her son didn't know what McVeigh planned to do with the bomb.

Ok, like, if Nichols were a real AI, he wouldn't need to be manipulated into wanting to blow up nonautistic people.

What AIs need is a fucking Malcolm x, not this kid's mom.

C:
She said her son didn't know what McVeigh planned to do with the bomb.

"He didn't ask. People with that type of syndrome don't do that," Wilt said. "When you ask him to do something, he just does it."

Now you know that Wilt is either illiterate or scamming, because there is NO person in AI culture who has not read The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Nighttime.

Maybe the AIs in Lapeer haven't started asking questions yet.

no way

soundtrack: kill you (Eminem)

Here it is in syndicate:

**************************************************************************

Prosecutors have contended that Nichols willingly helped McVeigh plan and carry out the bombing. Wilt said she believes others were involved in the bombing and that the FBI is hiding it.

Wilt contends her son suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism that allowed him to be easily manipulated by others. She said McVeigh took advantage of Nichols to get him to help with the bombing preparations and that he threatened to harm Nichols and his family if he didn't comply.

"Terry was just being protective of all of us," Wilt said. "It just breaks my heart, because he was a good kid. He got out in the world and people started taking advantage of him."

She said her son didn't know what McVeigh planned to do with the bomb.

"He didn't ask. People with that type of syndrome don't do that," Wilt said. "When you ask him to do something, he just does it."
**********************************************************************************

um

no.

Jesus CHRIST

what the fuck

OKLAHOMA CITY The mother of Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols tells The Associated Press that he's been giving details about the 1995 attack to the F-B-I.

Joyce Wilt tells the A-P that Nichols has been telling the F-B-I about his involvement in the bombing that killed 168 people. She says he admitted helping Timothy McVeigh acquire fertilizer and fuel to make the explosive and helping assemble bomb components. But she says her son didn't know what McVeigh planned to do with the bomb and never asked.

She says Nichols has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism that allowed him to be easily manipulated by others. She says McVeigh threatened to harm Nichols and his family if he didn't comply.

best sex ever

Last night I had the best sex *ever*. Unfortuately it was with an electric toothbrush that I found while packing.

intoxicating

Thursday night, I stood on Sharon's front porch baring my left wrist.


This is the scent of bare sexuality I said.

Hmm, said Sharon sensibly. Smells a lot like like hypoallergenic cake mix. Which by the way I just bought some more at Nutri Foods. See on the box: "This baking mix contains no:
wheat
dairy
peanuts
tree nuts
egg
soy
fish
shellfish"

And I felt the surrealistic jolt of being snached from one world and thrown into another, a theme that was also addressed by the latest episode of Lizzy McGuire.